Cheated

I signed into my gmail account yesterday and got a surprise. They have a little list on the left that shows the status of your email contacts. Imagine my surprise when my mother in law's name was signed in. Now, I know my father in law has been using her account to keep in touch with some of her email contacts, but it was still weird to see that I could video chat with her.

I am all over the place. Some days I forget that she's gone. I wanted to send her an email the other day and had to stop myself. Some days, I feel so guilty. I was so irritable during my pregnancy and it seemed that every thing she did got on my last nerve. Granted, I would never, ever say anything to her face. I knew it was my hormones that made react that way to her. I get sad every time I go to check something on my Walmart baby registry because she hosted my baby shower.

Most of all, I'm angry. I am so utterly mad that I've been cheated out of the chance to mourn my mother in law the way I should have. I was so heavily medicated the days after Cadie was born, I almost felt like I was watching everyone else go through the grief of losing a loved one. I, on the other hand, felt nothing. I was numb. I wanted to cry and grieve, but I was incapable. I tried my hardest to help my husband and his father, but I couldn't even do that right.

I am off the pain medication now, ready for it all to hit me, but I'm feeling like I've been left behind. Everyone else is dealing with the loss, and I'm still here in shock. It never occurred to me just how much closure you get from a viewing and funeral. Why, oh why, do I still feel numb.