Dreams and Expectations

I've been thinking about the day that I finally broke down and took a pregnancy test. I had gone crazy cleaning the kitchen, even getting down on my hands and knees to scrub the floor with Clorox wipes. If you know me at all, you know that this is very out of character for me, so I shouldn't have been surprised when my husband started bugging me to test.

As soon as that second line showed up on the test, I was filled with all sorts of thoughts and dreams. Would it be a boy or a girl? Would they have my husband's fantastic hair? What kind of person would they grow up to be? The dreams only became more real when we found out that we were expecting a little girl. I look forward to having the same bond that me and my own mom have.

When I shared that Cadie's cystic fibrosis test came back slightly elevated, we received a lot of thoughts and prayers. Friends shared stories of people they knew that are not only living with the disease, but thriving. I know that they meant well, but to hear of someone who at 19 has already outlived their life expectancy, as a new mom who faces the same reality, it tore me up inside.

I want to buy Cadie her first car and teach her to drive. We've already started saving to put her through college. I want to stand at the front door, fight tears, and watch as my little girl leaves for her first date. I want her to fall in love, get married, have kids. I want her to bury me, like it's supposed to be.

Living to 19 with a disease that previously children wouldn't reach adulthood is fantastic. That means that we are slowly figuring it out, getting closer to maybe not a cure, but a way to live with it. I just don't want that for my child. When she celebrates her 19th birthday, I don't want to be sitting there thinking it might be the last.