Thursday, April 22, 2010

Rough Day

I knew this day would come eventually. A friend of mine found out she was pregnant a few weeks after I did. I know some people would be jealous and "omg she's stealing my thunder!", but it wasn't like that at all. She and her husband are wonderful people who deserve this and I felt nothing but happiness for them.

As our pregnancies went along, we would compare and contrast the experiences we were going through. We talked names, the types of births we dreamed of, registries, you name it, we discussed it. I think we became a little closer after going through this wonderful experience together.

So what do I feel today when I hear she's gone into labor? Well, it's a mixture of emotions, really. First off, I'm so, so, so happy for them to meet their son. I'm excited because our children will be 6 weeks apart- perfect for future play dates! And I'm also a little sad.

I feel like in some way I was jipped. Not only was I cheated out of fully mourning my mother in law's passing, but cheated out of fully celebrating my daughter. I look back on it now and realize that I didn't spend a whole lot of time with her the first few days. Tom was down with his mother and my mom and grandpop could only do so much. That left me, highly medicated to my own devices. I remember being so doped up and tired that I kept falling asleep while feeding Cadie. So instead, nurses down in the nursery had to feed her. I feel guilty to this day.

I went into this with little expectations. I know women who get so caught up in the whole no med, vaginal birth, breastfeeding thing. When something goes wrong, they blame themselves. I wasn't going to do that. I wanted the meds. If I needed a c-section (which I did), than I was fine with it. I wasn't breastfeeding (that's another post for another day). I just wanted my daughter in my arms, healthy as can be.

And yet, I still look back at Cadie's birth with some disappointment. Not with Cadie, of course. I could not have asked for a better daughter. I'm disappointed with the circumstances that surround her birth. If I could do it over again, I would in a heart-beat. This time with my mother in law pacing in the waiting room, my father in law cracking jokes, and my husband holding my hand as we walk down to the nursery to compare all the other babies to our beautiful Cadie.

My friend's delivery reminded me of what my own delivery should have been like. I'll admit, I cried a little. Tears of regret, sorrow, and yes tears of happiness for my friend.

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